User Friendly Tentacles

My first published piece, in a now-defunct humor e-zine.


After diligently searching the internet for cheap international airline tickets, I have learned a few valuable lessons. Bargain-hunting is not a game for the faint of heart; the exhileration and glory of discovering travel deals must be balanced against your personal health and sanity. For the goodness of mankind and my soul, I have stepped forward to share these lessons with you.

Every travel site lures you in with the words “lowest price on the internet.” You want to believe this. I want to believe this. We are both suckers. Accept this, steel yourself, and diffuse your outrage into laughter. 'This is a deal? I laugh with scorn' is a mantra you would do well to tape to your monitor.

A subset of 'Destination Sites' don’t even pretend to offer lower priced tickets. These sites offer an all inclusive package of flight, hotel and rental car.

Once you discover that the destination site is offering a discount of 5%, you hit the back button in order to return to the original price, or perhaps even the search engine results. If you’re lucky, you get back to your original search engine results. If you’re unlucky, you find yourself trapped in a ring of glamorous travel sites. In desperation, you move forward, then back, hemmed in on all sides, chewing your nails or hair in a nervous tick. Porn sites work in the same fashion. The only way to cut loose from the continuous grasping tentacles of cruise ships and big chested blonds is to shut down the program. This is called a waste of time and energy. Ultimately, if you are not of strong character, you will break down and buy your tickets through one of these 40% mark-up sites.

But this nervous tick is not the worst the travel sites have to offer. If you feel your heart may give you trouble, or if your blood pressure is dangerously high, cut your losses and visit one of the all-in-one destination sites. Visit a consolidation site only if your doctor has recently confirmed your good health. A consolidation site will appear to be user-friendly. Cheerful, user-friendly tips are passed along on how to lower your fare, procure special rates for students or seniors, or offer a caution about the minute and a half it takes for the database to run through 500,000 ticket options. You’re lulled into a sense of well-being, seduced into thinking ‘the net ain’t half bad, if you know where to look.’ Contemplating the travel warnings, you’re lured into a false sense of security-

BAM! Suddenly, your heart drops, then races. Your breathing accelerates, your muscles tense, you’re on the plane to orgasm. $499 round trip ticket from LAX to Berlin! In June! Picturing your awed friends begging to know your secret, how you did it, you check the availability of seating. Visions of beer steins, svelte blonds, and duty free airport shops are dancing in your head. But wait…the itinerary has come up. Something appears to be off. The price of the ticket has just jumped an additional $900…

A cheerful, user-friendly note appears on the screen. If the price of your ticket has changed, please don’t fret. Several things may possibly have gone wrong. The previously quoted seat may not be available, or maybe you broke one of the airline’s rules. Airlines have rules abut who can buy their specialty price tickets. A cheerful, user-friendly arrow points to a link to airline rules you may possibly have broken. Possible broken rules: traveling on a Wednesday, instead of a Tuesday; exceeding the maximum stay; or, the most heinous crime of all, leaving from the “wrong” airport.

While battling the sadistic tendencies of user-friendly consolidation sites and mind-numbing travel rings, the occasional pointer can be picked up. Travel on a Tuesday or Thursday, but skip Wednesday. Never wear white tennis shoes in Europe. Never give a foreigner the thumbs up or ‘okay’ sign. Only the strongest will survive to find the best fare. And finally, the first fare you find will always be the best.